When I stop to consider how some avenues in life get started, it baffles me how people can get stuck in one path. While I can’t stop to truly calculate the tendencies of people, based on background, preference, or social deviation, to veer in one direction or another, it is clear to me that both the generation gap and the archetypal difference between us is keeping my dad and I from communicating properly. That is not to say that we don’t talk at all, because we do have wonderful conversation under normal circumstances; however, when it comes to the discussing the complexities of the human experience, things seem to break down.
There was a point at which I stopped considering my physical body to be a child. This does not, by any means, mean that my mental state is following suit. In fact, I consider my mind to be stalled somewhere shortly after adolescence and that has been a deciding factor in a lot of my choices in life. Some might consider this to be a shortcoming – to those people, I ask, “why?” Do you really think that the entire human race is made up of individuals who have this one state of mind and, if so, how is it that our race has developed the diversity of thought and, more central to my statement tonight, entertainment that people have conjured up over the time that we have spend plunking about on this planet of ours? I am not suited to physical labor. This is not to say that I can’t perform, and well, in tasks that are physically demanding. What that means is that my aptitude towards things that don’t engage my mind are considerably less than those of someone who enjoys less stimulating activities. I feel as though people have a field into which they settle into early in life, though it may be the complete opposite of what they want to pursue, and that becomes that individual’s personal obligation – a social obligation that it is extremely difficult to break free from. Maybe some people are suited to this track onto which they fall, but I feel as though my path is elsewhere, and I will not let myself be dragged into some standard or expectation that is not where I want to be in life! Let it be known that I am searching for my dream! If that is so wrong, tell all the writers and philosophers past, present, and future to stop flaunting it so.
Tonight, I watched the movie Knowing starring Nicolas Cage. Let me say upfront that I liked the film for the vision that it had. At the same time, my usual nitpicking got the better of me during the movie and it was downhill from there. When we, that is my Dad and I, started watching the movie we were having beer and wine and enjoying a leisurely night together. At this hour, I feel as though we are on the verge of smacking each other with a wet trout, if not worse. This movie has brought us to the precipice overlooking a problem that both of us have. We don’t like reality. I enjoy a deep escape into anime and watching a thoughtfully psychological series in which the characters develop slowly over time and the complexities of the show can only be debated feverishly in forums or at conventions, such as Evangelion. I was originally going to try to make an observation about what my dad likes to watch, based on information I have gleaned from observation, except I don’t think that it would be accurate. That is because I have not been able to and still can not predict this man’s thoughts. It is perplexing and almost infuriating. I understand that, because of the father-son relationship, there is a degree of … I almost want to call it entropy in our understanding of eachother; we seem to make strides towards understanding and then a few hours later tear those advancements to shreds by being at each others throat about such trivial things as a movie. Those small quips turn into blanket statements and before long we are taking shots at the fabric of the others core being. I can see, very clearly in fact, where he is coming from when he criticizes my progress in “life” because I am far from pleased with it myself – that doesn’t mean that I need to be taken apart like some Lego set every night and strewn about – I came here for support, to fortify my foundation, and construct a more confident self upon that, but I seem counteracted at every turn.
There is more that I wish to say, but I am disjointed and distraught. I want to reach out for support. I want to reach out in support. I want to just reach out and feel like someone will grab my hand at the other end. But I fear that such desires are ill-begotten in my life and my existence will be quickly overlooked in this dimension that is soaked, saturated, overflowing with the crawling, swarming, billions of people, humans, beings that inhabit it – what is my voice amidst that? And so, with that, I will now end this post, disheartened, misunderstood, and feeling alone even among so many, and go to bed with tears in my eyes as I have so many times. Good night and pleasant dreams, as the dreams of men will become the wings of tomorrow.
‘Till next time,
PEACE~!
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