When I stop to consider how some avenues in life get started, it baffles me how people can get stuck in one path. While I can't stop to truly calculate the tendencies of people, based on background, preference, or social deviation, to veer in one direction or another, it is clear to me that both the generation gap and the archetypal difference between us is keeping my dad and I from communicating properly. That is not to say that we don't talk at all, because we do have wonderful conversation under normal circumstances; however, when it comes to the discussing the complexities of the human experience, things seem to break down.

There was a point at which I stopped considering my physical body to be a child. This does not, by any means, mean that my mental state is following suit. In fact, I consider my mind to be stalled somewhere shortly after adolescence and that has been a deciding factor in a lot of my choices in life. Some might consider this to be a shortcoming – to those people, I ask, “why?” Do you really think that the entire human race is made up of individuals who have this one state of mind and, if so, how is it that our race has developed the diversity of thought and, more central to my statement tonight, entertainment that people have conjured up over the time that we have spend plunking about on this planet of ours? I am not suited to physical labor. This is not to say that I can't perform, and well, in tasks that are physically demanding. What that means is that my aptitude towards things that don't engage my mind are considerably less than those of someone who enjoys less stimulating activities. I feel as though people have a field into which they settle into early in life, though it may be the complete opposite of what they want to pursue, and that becomes that individual's personal obligation – a social obligation that it is extremely difficult to break free from. Maybe some people are suited to this track onto which they fall, but I feel as though my path is elsewhere, and I will not let myself be dragged into some standard or expectation that is not where I want to be in life! Let it be known that I am searching for my dream! If that is so wrong, tell all the writers and philosophers past, present, and future to stop flaunting it so.

Tonight, I watched the movie Knowing starring Nicolas Cage. Let me say upfront that I liked the film for the vision that it had. At the same time, my usual nitpicking got the better of me during the movie and it was downhill from there. When we, that is my Dad and I, started watching the movie we were having beer and wine and enjoying a leisurely night together. At this hour, I feel as though we are on the verge of smacking each other with a wet trout, if not worse. This movie has brought us to the precipice overlooking a problem that both of us have. We don't like reality. I enjoy a deep escape into anime and watching a thoughtfully psychological series in which the characters develop slowly over time and the complexities of the show can only be debated feverishly in forums or at conventions, such as Evangelion. I was originally going to try to make an observation about what my dad likes to watch, based on information I have gleaned from observation, except I don't think that it would be accurate. That is because I have not been able to and still can not predict this man's thoughts. It is perplexing and almost infuriating. I understand that, because of the father-son relationship, there is a degree of … I almost want to call it entropy in our understanding of eachother; we seem to make strides towards understanding and then a few hours later tear those advancements to shreds by being at each others throat about such trivial things as a movie. Those small quips turn into blanket statements and before long we are taking shots at the fabric of the others core being. I can see, very clearly in fact, where he is coming from when he criticizes my progress in “life” because I am far from pleased with it myself – that doesn't mean that I need to be taken apart like some Lego set every night and strewn about – I came here for support, to fortify my foundation, and construct a more confident self upon that, but I seem counteracted at every turn.

There is more that I wish to say, but I am disjointed and distraught. I want to reach out for support. I want to reach out in support. I want to just reach out and feel like someone will grab my hand at the other end. But I fear that such desires are ill-begotten in my life and my existence will be quickly overlooked in this dimension that is soaked, saturated, overflowing with the crawling, swarming, billions of people, humans, beings that inhabit it – what is my voice amidst that? And so, with that, I will now end this post, disheartened, misunderstood, and feeling alone even among so many, and go to bed with tears in my eyes as I have so many times. Good night and pleasant dreams, as the dreams of men will become the wings of tomorrow.

'Till next time,
PEACE~!

At a certain point one becomes accustomed to certain inputs being around. This can be such an unconscious attachment that one does not even notice that the dependence is there. Once said inputs are removed, however, the effects of withdrawal make apparent the underlying desires of the mind. When a person comes to terms with this effect, whether the means be voluntary or forcibly, he/she can get a glimpse into the clockwork of the mind and possibly understand the true value of certain things in life.

There are many items out there which are designed to be addictive – designed by a person or a group mostly for the purpose of commerce, which doesn't paint a very kind picture of humanity, but shouldn't be discounted as a catalyst for creativity – and these items are constantly consumed by the masses in one form or another. The form can range from a perishable item such as something edible that, once used, can only be replenished by acquiring more of the item, to something more permanent such as an item which will operate indefinitely provided that the user provides it with adequate energy and maintenance. Certain aspects of these items vary greatly depending on a set of variables far too diverse to explain within the confines of one lifetime; however, the largest deciding factor would the personal preference of groups of individuals. No matter what the item is, if there is no demand for it there will be less chance for it to affect a great number of persons and thus less incentive for its production. This balance of production and consumption has been a factor in life since someone first realized that the concept of value can be transferred from person to person. While not maintaining a fixed value, a generalized range can be established into which certain items fall, and becomes the deciding factor in trade between these categories. In order for an item to move from production to consumption something of equivalent perceived value must move in the opposite direction. Those that can not satisfy this requirement either find other ways of attaining the item or simply do without.

It has been said in many different ways but it begs repeating – the human mind is a strange and wondrous thing. When one breaks the aforementioned cycle of production of consumption the first result is panic, confusion, and a decline in the ability to reason. This is the first sign of an addiction to an external input. Something could be said for the part of the mind that was responsible for processing the plentiful information falling into disuse and sending out an SOS through means of withdrawal symptoms. It's sad in a way but, provided that the essentials of the body continue to receive nourishment, the mind will eventually cease to expect the once plentiful input. Around this time coping can begin. Typically a certain amount of depression and loss of motivation can appear at this stage, indicating that those parts of the mind that were signaling distress are now firmly in the grips of disrepair. But the mind is capable of working around these things. After a time the mind can arrive at the conclusion that those things were unessential to life and will move on. Whether or not it loses the ability to process that old input depends on the individual circumstances. But one certainty of it all is that the mind will continue to flow, even as its course constantly changes. In a way, every new bend in this current adds to the complexity and richness of the mind – it can be viewed as an opportunity to grow and diversify yourself. That's one way of viewing these things, at least. But as one who has looked upon all of this and had what seems like a great deal of time to ponder it, I have only one personal statement to add: I really miss being able to stream videos.

The Entry below is one I was working on back in August but it got buried under a mountain of other things I was doing and forgotten in the documents folder up until a few moments ago. While I don't remember exactly where I was going with the post I figured I'd at least post what I spent so much time writing, with a little editing in the parts that smell of beer now that I read them again. The lines in italics were not part of the original post but have been added in now for clarity.

There's been quite a lot going on between my last blog entry and now ... but that's fairly normal when my average posting frequency is three months. I need to keep better track of these things! I'm considering starting a daily T-shirt segment since I get a lot of comments on my collection of amusing shirts. I'll test that out starting tomorrow I think. This plan has not ended up getting off the ground yet.

So, on to the activities report. I'll just write things as they come to mind because there's a lot I need to get untangled in my mind.

My aunt gave me her old computer a little over a month ago. She got a new one and, despite this hand-me-down being six years old, in terms of hardware it is much more advanced than the laptop that I have been working with. Thus I gladly accepted it. Little did I know that there would be one little snag that would drain a lot of the excitement out of getting a new device. I've spent almost all of the time since receiving it not using it as much as wrestling it (figuratively) as one would a large, toothy alligator The play-by-play is in the next paragraph, so if that isn't your thing you can just skip over it. I apparently never finished writing the play-by-play at the time, but read on for some of the insanity, at least.

First of all, when I first got the computer it was running Vista and it was very bogged down with all kinds of junk that my aunt had on there. The first thing I thought I would do is update the computer to Windows 7. Since I didn't want any of the old files on the computer to carry over I went with a clean install – unfortunately that meant that all of the drivers were thrown out like the baby with the bathwater. So, despite having a very fast install of 7, there were a lot of hardware problems. After downloading and patching for several days with mixed results I finally came to the conclusion that it was not a good idea to install Windows 7 on this computer since it was designed for Vista. I then proceeded to completely restore the system to factory defaults. The thing was at that point running a six-year-old build of an operating system that was about as stable as I am after a Green Dinosaur. A couple more days of patching ensued until, two service packs and almost three-hundred individual updates later, I had a computer that would consistently start up without flipping me the middle finger. It was at this point any sensible person would think, "now that I have it stable perhaps I should back it up so that I don't have to do this all over again." I guess I wasn't in a very sensible mood on that day. I had scanned the disk and found a couple of bad sectors so I deemed it time to replace the hard drive – and when I say replace I mean it's upgrade time!! Recently the prices on SSD's (solid state drive) have been coming down into the generally affordable range and what better way to spruce up an already impressive (by my standards) PC than by making it even faster?! I will expand more upon my love of SSD's in a later paragraph (again, I didn't get around to it, but maybe I'll expand this post at a later date). For now, let me just say that when copying the data from one drive to another using modern disk cloning software everything will undoubtedly go smoothly, that is, as long as you make sure that the partitions and file system are set the way you want them BEFORE putting the drive into the computer and starting to use it. I, on the other hand, copied everything over to the new drive, put it in the system, booted it up, and THEN decided to shrink the main partition – you know, the one with all the really important OS files on it – which resulted in ... so many long, tedious, headache-filled nights >_< 

That's all there is right now. It's not a bad place to end that little rant but there is more to the story. In sort, I managed to get the computer up and running – it's actually the one I am typing on now – and boy was the upgrade worth it! Booting only takes about ten or fifteen seconds from the press of the power button until the desktop is displayed. I'll try and write more about the process later. For right now I've got a job application to complete.

'Till next time,
PEACE~!

My first week back home in years! It's an unusual feeling of nostalgia mixed with exhaustion, but that could just be the jet-lag talking. Since I got back on Wednesday morning I've spent a lot of time with my father and my grandmother, which is to be expected, but not quite enough time actually being productive. It took up until a day ago just to get my clothes unpacked and organized. So in the midst of all this there have been a few things that have cropped up that deserve a bit of attention. This is probably going to be a big block of text without many pauses. Just roll with me here, I'm a little sleep-deprived.

As I have mentioned before, I have issues (don't we all?) and they are part of the reason that I came home to unwind. The biggest problem as of late has been my unusual aversion to touching things. This is not just limited to things that might be covered in germs – it extends to items which I feel are covered in contaminants, whether it be toxins or just dirt. A prime example of this is what I like to call the “battery breakdown” which occurred just before I came back. While searching for something I discovered near the bottom of one of my drawers an old, cheap battery. For what reason I felt that it was worthwhile to keep it I do not know, but what I am certain about is that this battery was a giant mess. The thing had both liquid and crusty nastiness all in one neat package. Disposal became top priority as I rushed to get gloves and a bag, but it is at this point where my memories are shuffled. I'm not sure what I did between handling the battery, getting the gloves, and disposing of the battery. For all I know I could've gone out and had a tuna sandwich in the middle – I simply don't remember. There's something to be said for the safeguards that are in place in the human mind that keep you from mentally injuring yourself, and they usual do a great job. However, in this instance it only caused me more anxiety because I can't remember the details. In any case, that particular incident left me with a simmering hatred for alkaline batteries as well as a problematic aversion to touching my most precious items due to that mental stigma which constantly tries to tell me that my hands are contaminated, even if I just washed them five minutes ago. This has, in turn, lead to other problems: my hands are drying out and cracking, my mind is drying out and cracking, and the social stresses that my unusual state puts on those around me in turn cause me pain because I don't want to become that burden on others. My first task is to reduce these swings of anxiety to a point to where I control them, not the other way around. This is something that I often make big progress toward, that is right up until life slaps me upside the head with a bucket of crap and sends me back into the pit. Can you guess what happened yesterday? BAM! More battery bull-sh!t. Life sure can be cruel. But, this time I had my dad there to help clean up. That is to say, he did most of the touching and I watched and had a mild anxiety attack. Once again I am left wondering what part of my brain told me it would be a good idea to put a bag of D-cell batteries in the same box with my old GameCube games. Can I get that part of my brain excised, please? I was so upset with myself for most of the day that when it came time to sleep I was extremely tired but I only managed to sleep for a couple of hours before I awoke violently and found myself unable to return to sleep. So, I decided to write a bit of fiction and ended up playing Earthbound and writing in my blog instead. Such is the way my mind works. As long as I can keep the smelly bucket at bay I might be able to regain a few of my sanity points – we'll see how things go.

I wanted to write about some of my plans for the near future and I forgot all about the ugly mess that is my car right now … I'll save those for another entry, I suppose.

Thanks for reading!
'Till next time,
PEACE~!