December 10, 2012

  • Another Update!

    My first week back home in years! It's an unusual feeling of nostalgia mixed with exhaustion, but that could just be the jet-lag talking. Since I got back on Wednesday morning I've spent a lot of time with my father and my grandmother, which is to be expected, but not quite enough time actually being productive. It took up until a day ago just to get my clothes unpacked and organized. So in the midst of all this there have been a few things that have cropped up that deserve a bit of attention. This is probably going to be a big block of text without many pauses. Just roll with me here, I'm a little sleep-deprived.

    As I have mentioned before, I have issues (don't we all?) and they are part of the reason that I came home to unwind. The biggest problem as of late has been my unusual aversion to touching things. This is not just limited to things that might be covered in germs – it extends to items which I feel are covered in contaminants, whether it be toxins or just dirt. A prime example of this is what I like to call the “battery breakdown” which occurred just before I came back. While searching for something I discovered near the bottom of one of my drawers an old, cheap battery. For what reason I felt that it was worthwhile to keep it I do not know, but what I am certain about is that this battery was a giant mess. The thing had both liquid and crusty nastiness all in one neat package. Disposal became top priority as I rushed to get gloves and a bag, but it is at this point where my memories are shuffled. I'm not sure what I did between handling the battery, getting the gloves, and disposing of the battery. For all I know I could've gone out and had a tuna sandwich in the middle – I simply don't remember. There's something to be said for the safeguards that are in place in the human mind that keep you from mentally injuring yourself, and they usual do a great job. However, in this instance it only caused me more anxiety because I can't remember the details. In any case, that particular incident left me with a simmering hatred for alkaline batteries as well as a problematic aversion to touching my most precious items due to that mental stigma which constantly tries to tell me that my hands are contaminated, even if I just washed them five minutes ago. This has, in turn, lead to other problems: my hands are drying out and cracking, my mind is drying out and cracking, and the social stresses that my unusual state puts on those around me in turn cause me pain because I don't want to become that burden on others. My first task is to reduce these swings of anxiety to a point to where I control them, not the other way around. This is something that I often make big progress toward, that is right up until life slaps me upside the head with a bucket of crap and sends me back into the pit. Can you guess what happened yesterday? BAM! More battery bull-sh!t. Life sure can be cruel. But, this time I had my dad there to help clean up. That is to say, he did most of the touching and I watched and had a mild anxiety attack. Once again I am left wondering what part of my brain told me it would be a good idea to put a bag of D-cell batteries in the same box with my old GameCube games. Can I get that part of my brain excised, please? I was so upset with myself for most of the day that when it came time to sleep I was extremely tired but I only managed to sleep for a couple of hours before I awoke violently and found myself unable to return to sleep. So, I decided to write a bit of fiction and ended up playing Earthbound and writing in my blog instead. Such is the way my mind works. As long as I can keep the smelly bucket at bay I might be able to regain a few of my sanity points – we'll see how things go.

    I wanted to write about some of my plans for the near future and I forgot all about the ugly mess that is my car right now … I'll save those for another entry, I suppose.

    Thanks for reading!
    'Till next time,
    PEACE~!